Star What the Fuck!
by full moon alpha
Summary: A story about a man who gathers former villains and works to oppose the Sith Lord. But along the way is just misadventures and hijinks. Come along as this team, barely maintaining a semblance of sanity, have fun while putting little kinks in Palpatine's plans. T for safety, all characters are a little OC. This is a bit like a sitcom with slight plot and plenty of perversion.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1. What the Fuck?

 **Author's note.**

 **Full disclosure, this is an idea that I've had bouncing around in my head for some time. Basic idea is that the Clone Wars are still going on, just for much longer than they normally would and have come to a kind of stalemate, and my self-insert character has accumulated a ragtag group of the most villainous characters, swayed them to his side, and is working against Palpatine. Most of the team will be familiar faces with OC type personalities largely based off of Married with Children. This is not a story that is meant to really go anywhere or have a definitive goal, it is essentially an attempt at a humorous crack fic. Let's get started.**

The _Madhouse_ , a modified CR90- Corvette, was a ship that had it all. It had the space for almost 170 crew members, though its modifications meant that it could be operated by a single individual if needed, advanced anti-detection systems, a large recreational area, hell even a swimming pool. And currently it was filled with a number of…odd individuals. One of which was about to have his, so far, good day rudely ended. Up in the bridge the captain of the ship and 'leader' of the team snoozed.

 _RING RING_

The sudden noise of an earpiece communicator roused him to alertness. He blearily looked around until he found the infernal thing that had awoken him. With a low groan he grabbed it and put it on.

"Mike here…" Mike said, listening to the voice on the other end. "Hey G, what's up?" Another pause, then. "Wait, wait. Slow down…What?…What happened?…She did what?...Son of a…Get her here…Yeah, I'll see you when you get here…Goodbye." Mike pulled the earpiece off and leaned forward, hitting a button on the panel before him. It opened a line to all the comm devices and to the ship's announcement system.

"TEAM MEETING. ON THE BRIDGE. NOW!" Mike shouted into the microphone, the echoes reverberating throughout the ship. While not trained to properly use the force he was skilled enough with it to be able to sense emotions, in this case a number of irritated people.

Eventually the team filed in, having been pulled from whatever they had been doing prior. The first in was Maul, the onetime apprentice to Darth Sidious A.K.A. Chancellor Palpatine. Next was his brother, Savage, accompanied by his girlfriend, Aurra Sing. A smaller figure entered next, young Boba Fett. The last was a Kaleesh female, named Ronderu lij Kummar.

They all were looking about, curious as to why they had been called here. But one by one they noticed that a few of their members were missing, and they started to share amused yet exasperated expressions. An expression that Mike, despite his irritation, was fighting down on his own face.

When the doors opened next there entered the last three of the group. A once cybernetic kaleesh male, he still went by Grievous even though he could easily have taken back his birth name, an elderly former Jedi turned Sith turned redeemed Sith named Dooku, and between them, a pleased smile on her pale face and her short, bob cut hair somewhat disheveled, was Asajj Ventress. Grievous's face was hidden behind his mask, but he was clearly smiling. A smile that lit further when he saw Ronderu. Dooku looked very amused, even though he knew that Asajj was about to get chewed out.

"Asajj?" Mike began calmly.

She didn't respond for a moment, as if weighing the options of how to answer. Her smile widened and she did the one thing that annoyed Mike, and in doing so amused the rest of the team. "Yo."

For a moment, Mike considered flushing her out of an airlock. But he collected himself.

"What happened?" He asked.

"So I was doing my thing and taking out the separatist base, but then I find out that there are a few caches of supplies that some smugglers had hidden around the area. So I figured two birds one stone, take them out while I was there." Asajj said.

"That's fine, but why did G and Dooku have to retrieve you?" Mike inquired.

"I'm getting there. So, after taking out those smuggler bitches…" Asajj continued.

"I thought you were just taking out their supplies." Boba interrupted.

"You think smugglers would take kindly to having their stuff burned? No? Anyway…" Asajj answered. "I take out the smugglers, and the queen decided to invite me to a small celebration since I was already there. And what kind of person would I be if I turned down a client's offer like that?" Asajj explained.

"Either the queen was really hot, or had a really hot daughter." Aurra whispered to Savage, who snorted as he tried to contain his laugh.

"Both actually. But I only got in trouble for harassing the princess." Asajj said.

"Ventress, there is a clear line between harassment and assault. And fondling the princess's boobs in public counts as the latter." Dooku said.

"Did you see them? Did you see how big they were?" Asajj asked.

"That's beside the point. But yes, yes I did." Dooku said. Somewhere, in another universe, a turtle hermit is looking up and thinking ' _Someone's making my signature face._ '

"I knew I should have gone." Boba said under his breath. Asajj, feeling pity, showed him some holo images of the princess. Boba's eyes widened. "Mike, all things considered I think we should go easy on Ventress. No straight man…" Boba looked at Asajj. "Or lesbian, could reasonably turn down the opportunity to grab those."

"I am surrounded by pervy morons." Mike said, but he wasn't mad. He loved these idiots, and would fight tooth and nail for them.

"Well I don't see what's so special." Savage said.

"That's because Aurra's got you whipped." Boba said.

"I don't see what's so special either." Maul said.

"Maul, you're gay. Like really gay. Other gay men are off put by your gayness." Boba explained.

"Regardless, the queen isn't happy. She's still willing to pay for the work done, but I had to negotiate a lower fee as reparation." Grievous explained.

"That's reasonable. Dooku, add that planet to the list of 'no Asajj allowed' planets." Mike said.

"Already done." Dooku said, holding up a small tablet.

"Asajj, you're grounded." Mike said.

"I'm a grown woman, you can't ground me!" Asajj exclaimed.

"Dish duty, one week." Mike ordered.

"Shit!" Asajj cursed. Dish duty was a crappy chore. This team ate a decent amount in an average meal.

"Two weeks, want to make it three?" Mike challenged. Asajj pouted but said nothing.

"Well now that we've settled that, are we good? I've got stuff to do." Boba said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.

"Like what, dunking your girlfriend in a tub of water to find the air leak." Asajj taunted, drawing a scowl from Boba.

"At least she has a reason for having air in her head." Boba said. When everyone looked at him he realized he had just played himself. "That is, if I had an inflatable girlfriend. Which I don't" Boba tried to recover, but the damage was done.

Savage scooped up Aurra, who gave a small startled shriek, and made his way back to his quarters. Or her quarters, or wherever they had decided to fornicate this time. Grievous and Ronderu shared a look, clearly intent on following Savage's and Aurra's example. Boba left, Maul not far behind trying to console his young friend. Asajj went back to her room, mad about dish duty but by in large happy with the outcome.

Mike leaned back and rubbed his eyes. It was times like this where he wondered why he quit drinking. He then looked over at the 'wall of shame', which was mostly covered in printed copies of Asajj's various restraining orders. A fair number of which were earned after getting all clears from a drunk Mike.

" _Oh yeah, that's why I quit drinking."_ He thought, leaning back and trying to sleep. One day, one disaster at a time.

 **Main Character Breakdown**

 **Mike- Team leader and one of the voices of reason. He captains the ship, tries to help out his team, and frequently finds himself trying to clean up their messes.**

 **Dooku- Former Sith. Smashball fan. Another voice of reason, frequently ignored because of it. has abandoned the traitorous environment of Palpatine's Sith order in favor of the chaotic, but amusing,** _ **Madhouse**_ **crew. Able to be prim and proper when needed, becomes a sport fan hermit when allowed.**

 **Asajj Ventress- Former sith acolyte. The problem child of the group, she is banned from many planets due to her continuous molestation of any attractive female she can find. Has begun studying medicine to be more useful to the team.**

 **Boba Fett- Clone of Jango Fett, skilled bounty hunter and mercenary for his age. Works primarily as the liaison for the team, finding contracts and advising on team configuration. Desperate to get laid, and often mocked for his collection of inflatable sex dolls.**

 **Maul- Former sith assassin to Palpatine. Similar to Ventress, but fortunately he keeps his harassment of any attractive men limited to making saber-staff innuendos. Used to have cybernetic legs, but methods available to Mike allowed for him to reacquire flesh and blood legs.**

 **Savage Opress- Brother to Maul, boyfriend to Aurra Sing. Used to have cybernetic arm, same methods used for Maul corrected this. Has mellowed out considerably since entering a relationship with Aurra, but still combatively viable.**

 **Aurra Sing- Girlfriend to Savage, former assassin. Initially joined for economic opportunities, but stayed after falling for Savage. Another voice of reason in the team. Well-developed sense abilities due to having to be on the lookout for Ventress trying to peep on her in the shower.**

 **Grievous- Former cyborg leader of separatist droid army, has since undergone psyche transfer into cloned Kaleesh body. Initially believed his lover, Ronderu lij Kummar, was dead. Serves as chef and barkeep. Intends to wed Ronderu.**

 **Ronderu lij Kummar- Kaleesh, former lover of Grievous who was believed dead. She wasn't, though came close, and was brought onto the team mostly to sway Grievous. Knows that Grievous intends to marry her, but continues to feign ignorance.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. This is my life? What the Hell happened?

Mike enjoyed the occasional chaotic day as much as any other guy, routine was fine but it could get monotonous after a while. I was nice to have a bit of wild fun, even if it resulted in a bit of a cleanup job afterwards. That was how Mike viewed life for most of his own.

And then he gathered these fucktards, and he learned about controlled chaos.

He knew that, after a bit of help from him, they were good people deep down. Maul, after Mike assisted with getting him a pair of fully flesh and blood legs to replace his cybernetic ones, had really livened up and come out. His brother was more than happy to follow when the nightsister magic had been broken, Mike wasn't formally trained but he was skilled and creative. Aurra had required a few run-ins with Mike and his then small crew to start working with them, and a good deal of makeshift counseling to become stable. Asajj needed some of that counseling as well but she was willing after they negotiated. Dooku was one of the easier ones to sway, once Mike revealed Palpatine's history and helped plant doubt in the count's mind. Ronderu was another easy one, having been saved by Mike's mentor and brought back to full health. Grievous was the easiest, since Mike had both Ronderu and the schematics to Grievous's cybernetics.

This brought us to today, Grievous, who like Maul had been de-cyberized, though his was through a combination of specially cloned body and force based consciousness transfer, had gotten together with Ronderu romantically and formed the team's power duo. Savage and Aurra were much the same but with way more PDA after missions. Maul and Asajj were both single, since they were homosexuals and each was quite perverse, but were able to get laid on a fairly regular basis. Dooku and Boba were the odd men out. Boba was always looking to get a bit of action but somehow managed to fail spectacularly every time, which provided the rest of the team no shortage of amusement. Dooku occupied himself with smashball and plotting Palpatine's demise, sometimes at the same time.

But in regards to today specifically, that was where the controlled chaos started. The largest area of the ship had been renovated into a massive rec room. The first level had a massive track that was only ever used for kart racing, and an enormous pool with neighboring hot tub. The second level was dominated by a series of cookout and lounge areas, all meant to overlook the first level in a spectator fashion. The most notable thing about the second level was the suspended trampoline, positioned right over the pool. For obvious reasons it was closed whenever alcohol was consumed. The third level had the movie set-up, seats that allowed for a perfect view of the massive screen that dominated an entire wall of the rec room. A screen two hundred feet high and three-fifty wide with a surround sound system like no other made movie nights on this ship better than anywhere else in the galaxy. And finally, the fourth level, which was equipped with large gaming areas, surrounded by soundproof walls and smaller, personal movie rooms. If Mike couldn't be found anywhere on the ship, then it was safe to assume that he was in one of those sections.

Mike found his team all hard at work when he arrived. Maul, Savage, and Dooku were racing around the track, Aurra was lounging in the hot tub cheering Savage on whenever he was close and holding his saberstaff to fend off Asajj, who was lurking nearby watching Aurra intently. Grievous was up in the second level, making Ronderu something to eat. Boba was providing a challenge to the racers by flying around with his jetpack shooting concussion rockets at the racers. When said racers got close Mike he noted that while Maul and Savage were dressed fairly normally Dooku was drinking from a beverage hat, wearing sunglasses, and had a large foam finger on his right hand.

Mike, to his credit, didn't simply stare at the madness surrounding him. He regarded it for a moment, and then had the realization.

"That's right, it is Tuesday."

Just then Mike's wrist console beeped. Apparently so did everyone else's since the racers all crashed, Boba stopped shooting at them, Asajj stopped perving, and a small bang was heard from where Grievous had been cooking. Mike saw the message and smiled, a new mission had been sent to the team's inbox. Thumbing through it while the rest of the team converged on his location, Asajj tailing Aurra for less than noble reasons, Mike began to think about who would be best suited for this one. **(This is where we get into the events of the show.)** A contact in the separatist forces had passed information to both Boba and a few planets in the Phu system concerning a massive separatist ship hanging around. When the ship was described to Dooku he admitted to knowing its identity, the _Malevolence_. A subjugator class heavy cruiser that was supposed to be equipped with massive ion cannons. The Republic had apparently lost a few ships already, and the planets of the Phu system were quite concerned despite their sparse population.

Mike pondered this information. Destroying the ship would be the easiest option, but capturing it could be quite useful. They would of course take some of the more valuable components, this ship could always do with a bit more kick behind it, but if the Republic received an 'anonymous' donation of such a massive ship then it could score some impressive brownie points with them. He decided, they would capture the ship, take the most useful pieces to incorporate into the _Madhouse_ , sell off anything they didn't want, get a nice fat payment from the Phu system, and deliver the rest of the ship to the Jedi.

Mike looked at the team, and realized that he would need everyone to pull this off. In his mind he saw the plan unfold, working backwards from what his intended goal was and identifying what needed to happen for it to work. When he was finished he looked at the team, noting Dooku's expression. Dooku knew that whatever his plan was, Mike could make it work.

Thirty minutes later found the _Madhouse_ in the Phu system. The _Malevolence_ lurking like some abominable space beast near one of the stars. Mike gathered the team into the drop ship and made his way towards the massive cruiser. One of the additional features of Mike's ships were the advanced stealth drives, a bit of plunder from the separatists a few raids ago. But as it was the group made their way towards the _Malevolence_ and quietly entered an open hanger. When they departed Mike turned to the team.

"Sync you Cronos, get to your places, and do your jobs. And everyone…" They all looked at him. "Be careful." With that the groups split up.

Maul and Dooku made their way to engineering, Boba and Aurra headed for the bridge, Mike, Ronderu, Savage, and Asajj gave each other a nod and paired off. About two minutes after they all left, their dropship departed. The auto pilot putting it on a course back to the _Madhouse_.

Mike and Ronderu were searching for the largest collection of droids that they could, Savage and Asajj doing the same. While they were at it each pair struck up conversation.

"So, has Grievous mentioned to you when he's finally going to propose?" Ronderu asked.

"No, he only says that he wants the moment to be perfect. He still thinks you don't know." Mike answered.

"I know. He's not very good at hiding things from me." Ronderu replied.

"Don't you think it's a bit cruel to lead him on like this?" Mike asked, straining his ears.

"No. I fully intend to say yes when he asks, it's just really amusing to watch him try to be furtive about it." Ronderu replied. Mike couldn't see her face very well behind her mask, but he could tell she was grinning.

"That is just so cruel to my boy G. Nicely done." Mike congratulated her.

With Savage and Asajj, the conversation was of a very different nature.

"Yes Asajj, I'm very sure that Aurra wouldn't want to sleep with you. No matter how drunk she was." Savage growled out. He did wish his friend could get some for herself, but not with his girlfriend.

"Hey don't get mad at me. I have a dwindling number of options here." Asajj tried to defend herself.

"Ever thought about not molesting clients or not getting banned from planets? You might get a stable relationship that way." Savage sarcastically suggested.

"Stable relationship? I'm not after a girlfriend Savage. I'm just looking for someone to sleep with from time to time. Romance is strictly a no-go here." Asajj said. Savage fixed her with a blank look that basically read 'I am like 500% done with this shit'.

Then, he heard a noise. The clanking of incoming droids. Mike and Ronderu heard the same noise and prepared. Both pairs leapt at the incoming droids, the focus clear in their minds. In each team's case there was one droid that managed to get the call up to the bridge requesting reinforcements. At the door of the bridge Boba and Aurra looked at each other, then to their wrist consoles. They each pressed a button, causing one of the yellow lights to change to green.

Mike noticed his console change to reflect this, he and Ronderu shared a look and prepared for the onslaught. Sure enough, from up ahead a small army of droids approached. Mike pulled his lightsabers out, each having been made by the guidance of Dooku. And began to casually deflect the bolts while slowly retreating, Ronderu ensuring that no droids attempted to attack from his rear.

Mike and Ronderu made it back to the hanger along with Savage and Asajj, each pair brining a large number of droids on their tails. A box rested where the dropship had departed, and from it a blue energy shield emerged. Ronderu, having no real means of blaster bolt deflection, entered it. Mike, Savage, and Asajj all stood with their backs entering the shield deflecting bolts. They wanted to make sure that the shield lasted as long it could, and keeping it from getting hit as much as possible was needed. The only reason it was there became clear not long after this.

"Well well, this is a surprise." A voice said from over the intercom. The four looked up, the droids having ceased fire, and noted a dark acolyte. A fallen Jedi, whose name none of them knew or cared to know. "Not many mercenaries are stupid enough to try and pull an assault like this with only four people. Even if one of them is you Ventress."

"You have a point there. But there's a few things you're wrong about." Mike spoke up.

"Like what boy." The dark acolyte said with a sneer.

"One, it isnt' just us four. And two, we aren't the important ones here." Mike explained.

"You mean those two near the bridge? They'll die soon enough too." The dark acolyte said.

"Well yeah, those two. But you forgot the old man, and the gay zabrak." Mike watched in satisfaction as the acolyte's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, almost missing the loose ship piece Mike had force thrown into the transparasteel window separating the two.

"Nice try boy, but not even a jedi padawan would fall for such a simple trick." The acolyte shouted down, missing Mike hitting a button on his console.

"That wasn't the trick. This is." Mike, Ronderu, Savage, and Asajj all shot a grapple cable from their wrist consoles and hunkered under the shield as it changed texture. The acolyte realized the small shield was now functioning like those shields that separated the hanger from the vacuum of space. He then felt a strange weightlessness overtake him, and realized that he was leaving the ground against his will.

The droids were doing the same, arms flailing as they tried to find some semblance of rightness. A clang near the hangar opening drew the acolyte's eyes, and they widened in terror. Those barriers keeping the air in the hanger were about to shut off. They winked out of existence and the acolyte didn't even have time to plead as he and every droid in the hanger was sucked out into the hard vacuum. The acolyte drew upon the force as hard as he could, trying to get to one of the ships and from there get to safety. But the nearest ship exploded, then the next, and the next. The acolyte then spotted the dropship he had seen leave, the one sensors indicated had done so on auto pilot. In the seat of the dropship sat Grievous, who fired upon the tumbling ships with extreme prejudice.

Up at the bridge Aurra and Boba entered and began to fire upon those inside as they too experienced the absence of gravity. When they were done they hit another button, and another yellow light turned green. Mike saw this and did the same, and over in engineering Maul reactivated the artificial gravity while Dooku reclosed the hanger shields.

"Alright guys, tell me we still have everyone." Mike said into his comm.

"I'm good, Boba's having a blast up here." Aurra's voice came through, accompanied by blaster shots and the faint cackling of the young bounty hunter.

"We're fine up here, apparently Maul had the forethought to bring something to read." Dooku said, causing the rest of the team to just shake their heads at Maul's antics.

"I'm good, just cleaning up out here." Grievous said, now leaving about a long string of small EMP charges to take care of the remaining droids.

"Alright, Maul stow your porn and start seeing what we can transplant into the _Madhouse_. Disable any weapons this ship has while you're at it. Aurra, you and Boba stay put. We don't need anything still on board trying to fly this thing out of here. G man get back to the ship and start prepping the tow cables, we'll start tearing into the _Malevolence_ back at the home base. You guys…" Mike said, looking at the three with him. "We'll sweep the ship. Take out any enemy forces. When we're done meet up at the bridge." Mike said, getting nods from everyone.

"Hey boss." Boba's voice spoke out over the comms.

"What is it Boba?" Mike asked.

"We got a Republic ship inbound. We need to move." Boba informed the team.

"Shit. G man, get the ship back to base. Maul, make sure the hyperdrive is good. Boba, set a course for home." Mike ordered, the team moving to carry out the escape. He had expected a Republic response, but not this soon.

It took a few minutes to get everything set up, but just as the Republic ship carrying Jedi Master Plo Koon exited Hyperspace the _Malevolence_ began to enter it. The Kel dor Jedi took note of both the massive cruiser and the smaller _Madhouse_ departing in the same direction.

"General. What happened?" One of the clones asked.

"I do not know, perhaps they were expecting us. But why flee instead of fight?" The somewhat muffled response did more to raise concerns about the ship than it did to reduce them.

Less than a week later an emergency Jedi Council meeting was called, concerning a very interesting donation. A rather large, and in Plo Koon's case memorable, ship. It was missing its hyperdrive and a good portion of its engine. But its hull and schematics were all there, including the little bit about the massive ion cannons the ship was equipped with.

Master Yoda was deeply confused by this, a sentiment shared by his fellow masters. But when the technicians found a recorded device labeled 'For Yoda' the Council gathered to listen to it. The Holo-message was one of a young man, in his twenties at most, and with a very cocky air to him.

"Hello Jedi Masters, If you're listening to this then you received my team's little contribution to your war efforts. Rest assured, we aren't Separatists. But we aren't Republic either. We're…Independents. We oppose the Separatists and their Sith puppet master, and on that note. We do know the identity of the current Sith Lord, no it's not Dooku he was just the apprentice. We know that you should watch your clone troopers carefully. And we know that you're likely going to try and find us. My advice, don't. So long as you don't interfere with us we will take care of this little problem quickly. If you don't heed this warning, we will show you exactly why we are not to be taken lightly. This message will self-destruct in 3…2…1…" The small hologram projector suddenly sparked, an intentional design flaw causing the power source's internal chemicals to become potent acids and destroy the recording device.

"If they have the capacity to take a ship of that size without damaging it we cannot allow them to simply roam free." Master Mace Windu said.

"We simply do not know enough about them to actually capture them. And if they are truly against the Separatists…" Master Shaak Ti began but was cut off by Master Oppo Rancisis.

"If they ignore the rules of engagement then they put innocent bystanders at risk. If they act without considering collateral factors then they pose just as much risk as the Separatists themselves." Oppo's coiled tail twitched in agitation.

The conversation stopped as Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker and his padawan Ahsoka Tano entered. They both took note of the damaged Holo-projector on the floor.

"Is this a bad time Masters?" Anakin asked.

"No, we were just finishing. How went your mission?" Master Obi-Wan Kenobi asked, noting his former apprentice frown.

"We had Gunray, but someone rescued him. Some Sith I've never seen." Ahsoka said, gritting her teeth in frustration.

"Gunray is a slippery one Ahsoka. It is not the first time he has escaped capture." Obi-Wan said.

"What about that Master?" Anakin asked, pointing at the projector.

"Seen the ship, I trust. Separatist ship it was. But taken by unknown parties was it." Master Yoda said.

"And they left that in it for us." Obi-Wan said. Anakin stepped forward and scooped it up, the acid having neutralized by now. Anakin, like Maul, was a skilled user of Mechu Deru. The ability to have a metaphysical understanding of mechanical and electrical components. And that ability led to a startling discovery. The holographic projector was destroyed, along with the recorded message and all of its information. But unharmed was a small listening device and transmitter, both beeping as the entirety of what was being said was picked up and sent off to the _Madhouse._ Mike, upon hearing that the Jedi had lost Gunray again, began to plot. He closed his eyes when the sounds abruptly changed from voices to static. It seems his listening device had been found and destroyed. No matter, the Jedi were unsure of his team's motives and that gave him an advantage. For now, he would plan and relax.

Bang!

Mike's eyes snapped open to see Asajj, a bright red handprint across her face made very clear due to her pale skin. Mike also noted that she was a bit damp.

"Mike, before they say anything I want you to know it was done in the name of science." Asajj rattled off quickly, leaving Mike more confused than ever. His confusion turned to annoyance as the suspicion began to take root.

Sure enough, moments later an angry Aurra Sing stormed in. She too was damp and hastily dressed, an annoyed Savage Opress followed close still working on getting a shirt on. Now the suspicion was acquiring additional details and becoming clearer.

"Let me guess, you two were in the shower and Asajj decided to try and join in?" Mike guessed.

"She didn't just try and join in, she groped me. Again!" Aurra shouted.

"Is this true Asajj?" Mike asked.

"Every word. And Savage, you are a very lucky Zabrak." Asajj said, smirking shamelessly as Savage attempted to hold back a furious Aurra.

"Asajj, you just finished dish duty and now you're getting it again. One week." Mike decreed.

Asajj looked at everyone around her and simply shrugged. "Totally worth it."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3. Down Time

Mike stared at Dooku intently, his blue bladed lightsaber held in a tight stance while Dooku began a probing offensive. Maul, Savage, Asajj, Dooku, Aurra, Grievous, and Mike all trained with lightsabers on a regular basis, though today it was just Dooku and Mike. Mike learned mostly from Dooku and Grievous, and so developed his skills with Soresu quite quickly. He also practiced with Maul, Savage, and Asajj in regards to dual sabers and saber staffs, since his lightsabers were a paired set of conjoining lightsabers that could form a saber staff if needed. In practicing with each other, and the magnaguard droids programed for lightsaber combat, they all managed to become very skilled. Asajj was already able to fight Jedi Masters easily, same for Dooku and Maul. Mike wasn't far behind, but was still very inexperienced. If they weren't practicing lightsaber combat then they were improving upon force abilities. Grievous didn't mind exclusion from these activities, since it allowed him to engage in other activities. Typically including Ronderu. Boba was left alone in these situations, one walk in was enough for them to know it is best to leave an adolescent male alone at times.

Mike still remembered the day he walked in on Boba, the young man's lips still working to inflate a sex doll and his eyes wide in shock. Mike hadn't said anything, merely reached into the bag and retrieved the lotion he had purchased for himself and placed it on a nightstand before departing. The memory still brought a smile to Mike's face even as he ducked and wove around Dooku's lunges. Dooku was happy that his student was able to contend with his Makashi even while his mind was elsewhere. Mike's Soresu wasn't nearly what Obi-Wan Kenobi's was but he was definitely a skilled user of it.

Deciding to up the game Dooku started to incorporate his force powers into the spar, shooting off small torrents of lightning or otherwise hurling loose objects. Mike adopted a somewhat Ataru like moveset in response. Dooku may have still disliked the idea of hybridizing lightsaber styles but he couldn't deny the creativity of Mike's method. Mike had only been training for about a year and already was a skilled user of forms 1, 3, 4, and 6. His skill with Soresu, Ataru, and Niman becoming very clear in the way he continued to dodge using Ataru, defend with Soresu, and retaliate with Niman. Then, when Dooku went for a lunge, Mike used a similar trick Dooku did. He manipulated a loose object with telekinesis but did so in a very subtle way, he used the force to dislodge a floor panel and so compromised Dooku's footing.

Dooku stumbled, the unexpected maneuver had disrupted his momentum and forced him to have to scramble back to his feet. But before he could do so his dominant hand was struck by one of Mike's blades, causing him to release his weapon. Times like this made Dooku grateful that they practiced with their blades set to a lower power setting, now it just really stung when they got hit.

He was no master, not by a long shot, but Mike would be able to deal with most opponents that came his way. In the meantime, the rest of the crew were either searching for Gunray or relaxing. The last time he checked Maul was finishing up on the hyperdrive and engine, using the parts from the _Malevolence_ to spruce up the _Madhouse_. Suddenly Mike's wrist console beeped, a call from Boba.

"Boba for the last time, you do not need condoms. I'm sure your girlfriend didn't come with an inflatable womb." Mike said as seriously as he could. Dooku fought down a snort of laughter.

"Not that you ass. I just intercepted some communication between the Rodia Senator and Amidala, turns out tapping into the senate's communications system was worth the trouble, and something seems a bit fishy." Boba's voice said through the comm device.

"Are we talking can't find Asajj fishy or someone's hiding something fishy?" Mike asked.

"Hiding something. So I did a bit of digging and managed to get access to some security feeds." Boba said.

"What? How? Where are…? You went off to investigate on your own didn't you?" Mike asked, but it wasn't really a question.

"Yep, and guess what ugly little frog I found." Boba said, Mike could swear that he heard the smirk on the young man's face.

"Progress on capturing him?" Though Mike suspected the answer.

"Already tied up and aboard by ride. I'll be back in a few hours." Boba said, cutting the call.

Mike hated it whenever a teammate went off and did something like this on their own, but he wouldn't stop them. He could only help if they got in trouble.

"So, we're being the Viceroy's host for a time." Dooku said, scratching his chin.

"Not for very long. The last thing I need is for some Separatist team to attack my ship." Mike said, punching up Asajj on his comm device. "Asajj, do we still have that short term stasis pod?"

"Yeah, why?" Asajj asked, her groggy sounding voice making clear that she had been sleeping.

"We got a Neimoidian inbound and we're not keeping him on the ship." Mike said, he could hear Asajj shuffling around whatever room she was in.

"Gunray? What are we doing with him then?" Asajj asked.

"Mailing him to the Jedi. Message me when you have the pod ready, I'll get a message recorded." Mike said, cutting the message and ignoring the amused smile Dooku was sporting.

About a day later saw the Jedi Council calling another emergency meeting, called because a package came for them. When this package went through the normal inspection the young Jedi working in the postal department immediately sent a message up the chain. Less than ten minutes later found the Jedi Council seated around a stasis pod containing the Trade Federation's Viceroy Nute Gunray. When the opened the pod they found Gunray clutching another holographic message device. After checking it for listening devices and finding none, they played it.

"Hello Jedi, I hope you appreciate this little gift from my team. I do hope that…" The same young man said, before turning his head and addressing someone out of the recorder's view. "Will you two go away I'm trying to record this?"

"I'm just trying to get my belongings back." And accusatory male voice said.

"You can stand to share some of your vibrators friend, Ok?" A female voice responded.

"Hey, do you two mind? Maybe you could, Oh I don't know…GO THE FUCK AWAY!" He suddenly shouted, making at least two of the Council members jump.

"Any way. I'm giving you this little present. Try not to lose him again please, and rest assured. The Sith Lord behind all of this will be turned into your custody soon enough." The hologram winked out, before being replaced by a hologram of a stripping twilek girl. The Council shut off the projector quickly, Kit Fisto shaking his head in amusement.

Elsewhere in the Galaxy, a drama was unfolding on the bridge of the _Madhouse_.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU PUT ONE OF MY HOLO-VIDS INTO MIKE'S RECORDING?" Asajj screamed at Boba, who smirked guiltlessly.

"I thought the Council could use a bit of excitement in the message." Boba said with a shoulder shrug.

"Boba, dish duty for a week. Asajj, calm down. It was just a video, how valuable could it have been?" Mike would regret asking that question.

"It was a high end Holo-Erotica vid featuring five of my favorite porn stars from all five of my favorite races. Lifelike definition and the first to start incorporating experimental nervous system synchronization technology as well as viewer interaction and a basic AI interface." Asajj said, the sheer detail disturbing Mike.

"This has all of that? Nice." Boba whispered, but Asajj heard him and realized that he had made a copy before putting into the message.

"So, you spent a ridiculous amount of money on a porn vid that you can interact with and link to your nervous system?" Mike said, his head in his hands. The rest of the team was seated around the group, heads moving back and forth as they watched. This was better than any holo-net comedy series, Dooku had even made popcorn.

"Boba." Asajj said in a falsely sweet voice, making it clear to him that she had heard what he said. "GIVE…IT…TO…ME…NOW."

Boba, knowing that he was consigning himself to an extended period of dish duty, decided to live by the team's creed when in trouble. GO BIG OR GO HOME. He flung a flashbang down and blinded the group, and when he had the chance he made his escape.

"You'll never take me alive you bastards." Boba said, firing up his jetpack and taking off. Now, the jetpack was allowed in the rec room because it was spacious enough to warrant it. But in the more cramped hallways of the ship, not so much.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Asajj screamed, chasing after the young clone.

"NO RUNNING ON THE BRIDGE! BOBA… DISH DUTY…TWO WEEKS!" Mike said, stomping after them. The rest of the team could only rock back and forth, howling with laughter. This is why they saved so much money on entertainment. Every day on this ship was entertainment. Then the lights went off, indicating that someone had hit something that they weren't supposed to. Maul was a bit annoyed, but it turned to amusement when he heard…

"GOD DAMMIT YOU TWO. DISH DUTY…DISH DUTY FOR FOUR WEEKS. AND YOU GET TO CLEAN THIS SHIT UP!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4. Sick Day? Chaos doesn't take Sick Days.

Mike wouldn't ever trade his team for anything, he watched their backs and they watched his. But there were times where they truly tested his patience, times where he marveled at how stupid people could be. Times like this.

"AH CHOO!" Mike sneezed, his nose emptying into a tissue.

It seems that Boba had gotten sick when capturing the Viceroy, and now had passed that sickness on the rest of the team. Like most men Grievous, Maul, Boba, Dooku, and Savage were now holed up in bed, looking and sounding as though they were dying. Ronderu, Asajj, and Aurra were faring a bit better, but you could see that they were sick as well. Mike was soldiering on but he honestly wanted to do nothing but sleep and recover.

But there was shit to do and he needed to do it. Grievous was giving his stage rendition of a long drawn out death by poison so he couldn't cook as he usually did, none of the other guys could cook very well, and anything that the girls cooked would likely do more damage. So, Mike was bringing a cart laden with a large pot of soup and bowls to each of his team mate's rooms.

Savage and Aurra shared a room, and were found holding each other in bed watching some holo-vids. They thanked him for the soup and went back to their videos. Grievous and Ronderu were much the same, but Mike made sure to knock before entering. Kaleesh were very particular about who saw their faces. They thanked him for the soup as well, before going back to try and find some comfort.

Boba, Dooku, Asajj, and Maul were simple, they lived alone and each was trying to rest or recover. Though their current condition meant that they couldn't do much damage or cause any mayhem it also meant that Mike was spending hours at a time bored to death. And Mike was always suspicious of what Ventress was doing, especially now that she seemed to take so eagerly to cataloging her 'top ten sexiest Jedi ladies'.

Mike was pondering if he should bring that pale skinned pervert whenever he meets the Jedi Council. If he did he would put Aurra on Perv-watch.

In the meantime, he sat down with a bowl of soup and began to focus on the force. He concentrated on the mostly liquid substance and began to manipulate it with telekinesis. The liquid flowed up and began to slither through the air at Mike's direction. He formed various shapes, made it flow in specific patterns, and even separated it into smaller masses to dance around each other. It was times like this when he could simply enjoy his powers and relax, letting the worries of the galaxy fade into the back ground. Though he would be lying if he said he wasn't eager for something exciting or interesting, if for nothing else than to break the boredom. Not a minute after he had returned the soup to the bowl, his telekinetic manipulations allowing it to cool to a more edible temperature, the door to the bridge opened.

"MIKE, SETTLE A BET FOR US." Asajj said as she and Boba stormed in, clearly feeling much better now. "Ahsoka Tano's clothing, with no size adjustments, would look sexier on Aayla Secura than on Barriss Offee."

Boba's snarl would have been quite intimidating in another situation. "Secura's outfit is already similar to Tano's, the same with her sizes. Offee is taller, curvier, and would be nearly exploding out of such a tight outfit."

Asajj was not dissuaded. "She would be exploding out of that outfit alright, which is fine if you're into women who look like bread dough spilling from its pan, but on a Twi'lek with such gorgeous blue skin and sizes just close enough for that little bit of spillage." The lecherous Rattataki started drooling at the image in her head.

Mike simply stared at the two. " _I take it back, I want to be bored. It was sane and sensible, and I didn't have to put up with these idiots. I miss being bored._ " Mike mentally whimpered.

"Hold there young ones, for I have the true answer to this conundrum." An elderly male voice said, before Dooku, clearly dressed for a dip in the pool, entered. "I think that we can all agree that such a small outfit would look best on Shaak Ti."

As the image of Master Ti struggling to tug a clearly too small outfit over her body entered their minds even Mike had to take pause. Asajj was sporting a massive nosebleed, Boba was looking like he had found enlightenment, and Dooku looked like a lecherous old turtle hermit ( **Everyone knows who I mean** )

"Hey hey hey, there is one that no one's mentioned. What about Obi-Wan in that outfit?" Maul said, barreling into the room. This new image had Asajj and Boba clawing at their eyes, Dooku glaring at Maul, and Mike praying for anything to end this madness.

"Oh yeah Mike." Dooku said, catching the young man's attention. "You might want to have a word with Aurra and Savage."

"Why?" Mike said, already dreading the answer.

"I was going to go for a swim since I was feeling better, good soup by the way, but I found it already occupied by the happy couple." Dooku said, confusing Mike.

"So? What's the problem with that?" Mike asked.

"With them in the pool, nothing at all. What they were doing in the pool is a different story." Dooku said simply.

"They were not." Mike said exasperated.

"Well, her swim suit bottoms were hanging off of the diving board while they were on the other side of the pool together. So either they're having sex in the pool or they're using the diving board as a clothes line." Dooku sarcastically speculated.

"Want me to go stop them?" Asajj asked.

"No, Maul can go stop them." Mike said.

"What? Why me?" The Zabraki asked.

"Because if I send Asajj she'll just watch." Mike answered simply. Asajj didn't even have the decency to deny this, instead confirming it with a small shrug of her shoulders. Maul grumbled but went to go evict the lovebirds out of the pool.

"Oh, yeah. One more thing Mike. I was going to tease G man about it, but guess what came in today." Boba said in a singsong voice, holding a small velvety box.

Mike's face twisted into a pleased grin as he realized that it was the ring that Grievous was going to use to propose to Ronderu. This meant that the Kaleesh male would be in a panic at trying to surprise her, all the while she would be well aware of what he was doing. Ronderu was a cruel woman, but she had already told Mike she was going to say yes when he asked. But that didn't mean that the crew wouldn't have some fun with Grievous first.

"Things are getting interesting." Mike said with a chuckle. He hit the intercom for the rec room to call the others here just in time to catch Maul getting frustrated.

"No you can't do it on the trampoline either!" Maul's voice said, drawing raised eyebrows from the gathered crew. "And I am not swimming in that pool until you clean it!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5. Laying in the groundwork

Mike was known for taking risks, but this was a new level of stupid. Dooku had told Mike about a secret facility beneath the senate that Palpatine used whenever he wanted to be Darth Sidious for a time, but had also told Mike not to go there unless absolutely necessary. A bit of baiting would help secure his own safety and put Palpatine on the defense for a time. So to do this he got a message to Ahsoka Tano, by way of a passerby, before deliberately letting himself be seen. Like her master Tano was inclined to chase Mike personally, but unlike Skywalker she was also levelheaded enough to know that this message for the council should go to them.

Thank the Force for Obi-Wan's influence.

The message was simple but effective, a holo-note that one line which read "Want to catch a Sith Lord?" while featuring a snowman draped in a black robe with a red stick in its hand. The rest of the note was a request for Master's Yoda, Windu, and Obi-Wan to arrive at a series of coordinates in a rather nondescript location, followed by a number of pre-paid taxi passes to get there.

The Council was cautious, since this man had proven to be resourceful and brilliant when he needed to be. Sightings of his ship had come in over the last few days, typically in the outer rim territories. But they figured that these three masters would be more than enough to face off against a lone individual, largely discrediting his notion of a Sith Lord. They had no doubt that Dooku was still heading the Confederacy despite reports of his disappearance.

So the masters decided to play along, being wary but curious as to what Mike had to show them. When they arrived they found Mike waiting by an opening to a maintenance system. He waved casually upon greeting them, appearing to be completely unconcerned with the situation.

"Hello Masters. Pleasure to meet you, shall we proceed?" Mike asked cheerfully. Yoda and Windu shared a look, knowing that this might very well be a trap. But Obi-Wan was subtly searching Mike to find any sign of deception and finding none.

"What's in there?" Windu asked shortly, not bothering with entertaining Mike.

"There? Well…" Mike started, looking into the tunnel for a moment before turning back to the masters. "I have no idea actually. What I do know is that there is a location where it goes under the senate, a good place for a Sith Lord to hide."

Windu held his comment to himself, having no doubt that it would be ignored by their visitor. Mike boldly led the team in, letting himself be in the sights of the masters at all times. If the situation did turn out to be a trap they would be able to act quickly and effectively. The trip wasn't too far, but sure enough they did come to areas that were clearly meant to be areas of planning and contemplation. Sure enough there was a holo-map that showed this location in relation to the main senate building. So far it seemed that Mike had been telling the truth, but there was still no evidence of a Sith Lord. Until a small disturbance in the Force made the four aware of another presence.

"This was…unexpected. I did not think that the Jedi would send you all this way Master Yoda." A black cloaked figure said, keeping his distance and planning his escape.

"Hiya Sidi, long time no fuck up. How did you take the news of losing that ship? I doubt that such news was welcomed." Mike said, hopping up to sit casually on a railing.

"You." Sidious snarled. "You have been a thorn in my side for too long."

"Awe Sidi, don't be like that. I'm a thorn in everyone's side when I want to be, I just take issue with how you've been going about this whole galactic takeover plan. Not cool man." Mike said, reveling in the fact that he was getting under Sidious's skin.

"You both will be coming with us. The Jedi will learn the truth of this." Windu said, drawing his lightsaber but not yet igniting it.

"So, what else have you been up to Sidi? Not having Dooku around is probably a bit tricky, even more so without Grievous or Ventress." Mike said, continuing to press Sidious's buttons.

"Enough!" Windu said, reaching out to grab at Sidious with the Force. To the surprise of only himself and maybe Yoda the attempt bore no results.

A door opening behind him caused the Sith Lord to smile beneath his hood.

"Another time Jedi." He said, leaping back to retreat, Windu considering pursuit but being stopped when Mike grabbed at his robe.

"See ya around Sidi." He said cheerfully, bringing a scowl to Windu's face. The escape door snapped shut leaving the Jedi and Mike alone in the hideout.

"You let him escape. Why?" Windu asked Mike, furious at the young man.

"Think about it. An area none of us know much of is not one that we want to conduct a chase through, especially if the one being chased knows the terrain better than us. Besides, he's losing ground. I'll have him ousted soon enough." Mike said, giving the shut door a devious smirk.

"Know of this, the Council must." Yoda said, acknowledging Mike's logic. "Plan, we should, to better capture this Sith."

"Yep, and I need to introduce you to the team." Mike stated, kicking off from the rail that had been serving as his seat.

Windu had only known of Mike for a few weeks, and had interacted for less than an hour, and already the Jedi Master didn't like the young man. He was too casual, too relaxed, he wasn't one that would be able to properly function in battle.

Mike apparently had planned on the little trio making it away from the hideout safely, since less than a minute after exiting the service tunnel a taxi cab descended. The driver was clearly a bit confused as to why two Jedi were wondering around this part of Coruscant, but a rather generous tip from Mike quieted any questions. The trio was silent on the way back to the Temple, something that both Jedi could see Mike was all too comfortable with as he dozed off. But soon enough they found themselves ascending to the Council room, where Mike was ushered in to an almost complete Jedi Council. They stared at him, finding some distain in regards to his casual posture. He didn't fear or really respect them, he considered them just an asset in his plan to eliminate the Sith Lord.

It seemed that the only one who was truly regarding Mike without dismissal was Master Yoda, who hopped into his chair and fixed the young man with a piercing stare.

"Now then, young one. Your story, you will tell." But before Mike could open his mouth the door opened again and a group of bodies tumbled in. Yoda's eyes widened when he recognized his former apprentice, looking a bit more disheveled than he usually would.

"You're early." Mike deadpanned.

"No I'm not, I'm Dooku." Dooku said with a smile.

"I'm not joking." Mike said, his nostrils flaring.

"I know, you're Mike." Dooku said, catching the chuckles from the rest of the team.

"Are you serious?" Mike said, his patience wearing thin.

"No…I'm Dooku." The old man finished, he and the crew reveling in Mike snarling at them while miming choking the former Jedi.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6. This is Madness

Ahsoka Tano had seen a great many things in her apprenticeship to Anakin Skywalker, who himself had seen and done a great many things as a Jedi. But never could she have imagined that Dooku, Darth Maul, Asajj Ventress, Savage Opress, Aurra Sing, Boba Fett, and a now flesh and blood General Grievous would bring themselves to the Jedi Temple. It was brazen, and stupid. They had no weapons, no way to defend themselves, and had claimed that the Council was expecting them. Naturally Anakin didn't believe it, but Ahsoka pointed out that they were unarmed and clearly together. She then went on to say that even if they posed a threat they would be mobbed by hundreds of Jedi before they could even try to escape.

Anakin, despite himself, could see the logic there. He decided that it would be best to escort the group to the Council and see this situation for himself. Though he still had a great deal of animosity towards Dooku for taking his arm. They called over some Temple Guards and shackled the group, then leading them up through the Temple.

Right off the bat Ahsoka began to regret having to escort them, mostly because Asajj kept leering at her. She felt the rattataki woman's eyes fixate on her ass more often than not. But what she and the guards did not realize was that they had already picked the locks on their restraints and were more than capable of using their hands. Naturally when they reached the Council room's door Grievous in the rear with Anakin yelled out.

"Dog pile." The Kaleesh barreled forward and knocked the entire group into the door just as it opened.

Anakin and the guards were about ready to attack the group when they heard laughter, but Anakin personally shifted into action when he heard his padawan's protests. Ahsoka had been piled on by the entire group and Asajj, taking this golden opportunity, had positioned her hands to grab at Ahsoka's ass. Now Asajj was gleefully groping the young Togruta while Dooku interacted with a young man in the middle of the Council room. This interaction being what stopped Asajj's questing hands and brought Ahsoka's attention to Mike.

She, like at least a few of the Masters, found some amusement in Dooku pushing someone's buttons like this. But it was so strange for some of them to see.

"Alright you morons get up." Mike ordered, causing the group to stand. Though Asajj took one last chance to squeeze Ahsoka's ass. Mike, seeing the padawan's predicament, intervened. "No, bad pervert. Away, away." He shooed, causing Asajj to back off with a satisfied grin.

"Your team I take it?" Obi-Wan asked, finding the situation quite amusing.

"Unfortunately. They're good enough people when…where the fuck is Maul?" Mike demanded upon noticing that the zabrak was missing.

"Hey sweet thang." Obi-Wan heard from his right, turning to see Maul clearly flirting with him.

"Maul, knock it off or I'll have you and Ventress sent back to the ship." Mike threatened, causing the zabrak to pout before returning to his team.

"I was just having some fun." Maul said.

"You can wait a bit, we have business to attend to." Mike said, before turning his attention to the Council. "Sorry about them, they can be good people when they aren't being jack asses."

"Why shouldn't we simply imprison you now. There are more than enough outstanding warrants for their arrest?" Master Oppo Rancisis asked, his tail twitching in agitation.

"Because one, each one of them have fully abandoned the Confederacy for some time. Two, this team is responsible for bringing you the Malevolence and Nute Gunray. And three, if you want the identity of the Sith Lord they stay right where they are." Mike countered, causing the thisspiasian to scowl through his beard.

"You have yet to give us reason to believe that you know the Sith Lord's identity." Windu offered, frowning when Mike whipped out a journal of some kind.

"This is the journal of one Darth Plagueis, the former master of our current Sith Lord and otherwise known as Hego Damask." Mike said, causing the Council to share looks of shock. They all had heard of the Magister of Damask Holdings and how he had all but vanished just over ten years ago. But they hadn't ever thought that such a being could be a Sith Lord. Mike handed the Journal to Master Yoda, who thumbed through it. He then made an observation.

"Pages missing, there are." The aged Master turned his gaze to Mike.

"Pages pertaining to the identity of the current Sith Lord, which you will get once I am satisfied." Mike said with complete seriousness.

"What do you want?" Obi-Wan asked.

"A few things. First, and this is non-negotiable, full pardons for my team." The Council shared looks again, not liking this in the slightest. "Second, and another non-negotiable term, you stay out of my team's way until we need you. You will get information as we feel is necessary." Again, not much love for such a term. "And finally, my team sticks together."

"You would be wise to assist us in such an endeavor rather than the other way around." Master Fisto suggested.

"Considering how this Council has fucked up thus far, I think not." Mike said with upmost sass.

"Excuse me!" Master Saesee Tinn exclaimed, finally being driven to a point where Mike's flippant attitude had brought about an outburst. "The Jedi Council has done all it can to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the galaxy. I will not sit here and listen to your disrespect."

"Then stand and listen to it if it makes you feel better. And as for doing all you can, let's do a quick recap featuring my team here." Mike said, walking over to Grievous. "The Kaleesh were being enslaved by the Huk and the moment that they start making true progress in defending themselves, the Republic, having been lied to by the Huk, forced the Kaleesh into a state of planet wide poverty."

"You have no evidence of this." Master Eeth Koth said, before catching a datapad that Mike had tossed to him.

"Evidence and more, right there. The Jedi could have easily found out about such a situation, but they didn't." Mike said, moving on to Boba. "I've already talked to Dooku about this one, but you need to hear it as well. Decades ago a senator was contacted by a man named Tor Vizsla, the leader of a Mandalorian splinter group, to frame the leader of the true Mandalorians. That man who was framed, was one Jango Fett." Mike said, turning his gaze to Windu. "Fett led his people well, but the Jedi were called down to apprehend these Mandalorians. They could have easily investigated into the matter and found the truth, but they didn't." Mike moved over to Aurra. "The master assigned to miss Aurra Sing let her be abducted by pirates as a padawan, rather than go after her. She could have even appealed to the Council to send a rescue party, but she didn't."

The Council was known for being resolute in its decisions and firm in its convictions, but having their failures thrown in their faces like this was a sobering experience.

Mike continued, moving on to Asajj. He no one had really noticed it, but the Rattataki woman had been inching her way over to Ahsoka. "Ky Narec went down on Rattatak and took in a young, force sensitive girl. This master-apprentice duo would go on to be a major thorn in the side of the various warlords who feuded over the planet. His death sent the apprentice down the dark path, eventually leading her to a certain Confederacy leader. The Jedi should have been tracking the downing of one of their own, but they didn't." Mike had the utmost attention of everyone there, and he intended to use it. "But worst of all, the Jedi have sat comfortably for a thousand years under this delusion that the Sith were gone. For one thousand years there has been this assumption that the Sith were extinct."

"We had every reason to believe it was so young man, none of us could have known that the Sith endured." Master Rancisis said in their defense.

"It seemed none of you bothered to study history very well either. How many times has it been when the Sith were presumed dead and gone, only to return and strike at a galaxy that had grown lax in their comfortable fantasy? How many times? They returned by Exar Kun, with Darth Revan, with Emperor Vitiate, and now with the Rule of Two. And who knows how many other times this has happened. So with all of this in mind, Master Fisto…" Mike said, calmly approaching the Nautolan Jedi. "No, it would not be wise for me to assist you. It is by my actions that Darth Sidious is losing ground, it is by my actions that the Confederacy has lost its leadership, and it will be by my actions that this situation will be resolved."

Everyone was silent. No one had ever presumed to speak to the Jedi Council in such a manner, but every word Mike said rang true. The Jedi had made mistakes, and those mistakes had created some of their worst enemies in the Clone Wars. Mike had gathered these former foes and made an effective team out of them. Former Jedi, Sith, Bounty Hunters coming together to face a grave threat, and they were doing it better than the Council.

Finally Yoda spoke. "Of us, what do you need?" He knew when it was time to let another into the role of leader, and Mike had made his skill known. Yoda and his Council all noticed the looks that Mike's team shared with him. Mike looked to each of them, and received a nod from all of them.

"Well, I can't say this was the most anticipated course of action. It was anticipated of course, but maybe the fourth likely. Well then, Master Yoda. As agreed upon by my team prior to this meeting, if you were willing to work with us to stop the Sith then I would be willing to reveal who it was."

Only years of discipline and training kept the masters from leaning forward.

"Tell me, who has had the most to gain from the conflicts in the last ten years? Who benefited from the Naboo Crisis the most? Who has received immense political power during this war with the complete backing of the senate? Who has been the one person who has managed to hold onto this power despite all laws saying that he should have been replaced by now?" Mike asked rhetorically. The Council thought back, back to the days of Queen Amidala and her planet's senator. The same senator who became Supreme Chancellor at the end of the crisis, who had obtained emergency powers to even authorize the creation of the Republic army, and who has remained in office long past his term.

Mike saw every Jedi face start to show realization, even Anakin. Even skeptical Jedi like Saesee Tinn and Oppo Rancisis could see the possibility that Mike had revealed to them.

"The Sith lord is Supreme Chancellor Palpatine." Mike said, and that was when the chaos started.

"STOP GROPING ME VENTRESS!" Ahsoka shouted.

"Nice and firm." The pervert giggled.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Position the Pieces

Mike knew that dropping such a profound revelation on the Jedi Council would not be easy, but they took the news even worse than he had anticipated. Some continued to deny such an accusation, citing that it was impossible for a Sith Lord to have risen so high in the ranks of the galactic political system without raising suspicion. The rest were clearly entertaining the possibility but were doubtful of such a conclusion. In addition to this, the source of the information was questionable at best.

There were a number of former, according to Mike, Confederacy higher ups who were now working against their old alignment, former Sith assassin who had killed a Jedi Master, and a few bounty hunters in this group. Anything that they claimed should be taken with a grain of salt, though Dooku siding with what Mike claimed went a long way in convincing them. But what Mike said next helped make them genuinely entertain the idea.

"Not the best reaction, but not the worse either." Mike said. For now, while the Council debated their next course of action Mike and his team would be kept in the temple under close guard. Each member was grouped off and put into holding cells, Mike with Dooku and Boba, Grievous with Ronderu, Savage with Aurra, and Ventress with Maul.

While they had all been relieved of their weapons that still left them with means of entertaining themselves, for the most part that meant simple chats with each other. Mike however, opted for a simple option. He reclined and took a nap, he figured that it would take the Council some time to debate and come to a decision about their next actions. What he didn't factor into account was that when it came to his team they came to a fairly speedy decision.

Less than thirty minutes into his nap Mike's cell door opened, revealing Anakin and Obi-Wan.

"The Council has agreed to allow you to roam the temple so long as you are supervised by temple guards." Obi-Wan said, gesturing towards some of the masked figures behind him.

"That is wonderful news Master Kenobi." Dooku said, rising up and striding towards the door. He cast a quick look towards Mike's unconscious form, Boba, being more familiar with the aged man's mannerisms, caught sight of the shift in facial hair indicating a small smirk. Boba then knew what was to be done. Mike was out for the time being, that meant that he couldn't enforce any rules on them until he woke. Boba scribbled a quick note and placed it on Mike's lap, the guards were more than happy to leave him here as the could just leave the door unlocked for when he woke. The rest of the team caught sight of Dooku's smirk as well, and with a quick 'Mike's asleep' from Boba they all knew that they could have some fun before he had to rein them in.

Mike slept for almost two hours, two refreshing, peaceful hours. But as he stretched his arms up and yawned, he stopped mid-stretch. His senses reached out into the Force and felt something all too familiar.

"I sense a great disturbance in the Force. As if a group of idiots all managed to get in trouble at the same time. Fuck, what did they do now?" Mike grumbled, taking note of the note Boba left him. The young man was even nice enough to write what time that the rest of his team had been collected. Mike's smile was somewhat disturbing by the twitching in his eye. Those bastards had left him here for over an hour.

Fortunately most of his team was pretty easy to find, they were already in the Council room. They hadn't done anything too major, but they had made themselves a right nuisance. Mike managed to find a guard leading Ventress to the Council room, the Guard was clearly trying to contain his laughter and Ventress made no attempt to hide the perverse smile on her face. Mike could already feel the headache forming.

The Council found Mike, Ventress, Dooku, Savage, and Aurra all there, and the only reason why these ones were here was because these ones had been caught so far.

"Alright, what happened?" Mike asked, mentally preparing for whatever bullshit he was about to be subjected to.

Ventress went first. "I got caught peeping in the female's shower." Mike simply stared at her for a second, before pointing out the obvious. "Ventress, you are a woman. You could just go in there yourself." But what Ventress said next surprised him. "I know, but it's more enjoyable to be titillated from a distance than to actually indulge." Ventress said.

Mike needed a moment to consider this, but he accepted it since it was easier to just move on and not think too hard on it. "Did she do anything else?" Mike asked the guard.

"No, she seemed content to leer from a distance." The guard said simply.

Mike nodded. "Moving on. Dooku, what happened?"

"Nothing much, I was just relaxing in the archives and simply got separated from my escort." Dooku said. Mike believed him too, the old man could be a real lecher when he wanted to be but he was still one to enjoy the quite times.

"Confirm or deny please." Mike asked Dooku's guard.

"He did seem concerned when I found him, and relieved to see me. I do believe it was a simple case of use getting separated. No misbehavior here." The guard said, indistinguishable from Ventress's escort.

"Savage, Aurra…Why do I get the feeling I know exactly why you two are in trouble?" Mike said feeling his headache prepping.

"They were caught fornicating behind some of the statues of the Lost." Their guard said.

Mike simply put his head in his hands and breathed. So far it wasn't anything too major, which was good, but there were still four unaccounted for, which was bad, but those four were typically well behaved, which was good again, but if Boba and Maul were together then whatever antics they got up to would feed into each other into a vicious spiral, which could be very bad. As if on que Boba and Maul came in, another guard behind them. Everyone in the room could feel the guard's annoyance and was wondering about what these two had done.

"Look I still think it sucks that mayonnaise doesn't' come in a can." Boba said.

"If it came in a can you couldn't microwave it." Maul said.

Mike simply stared at the two for a moment before saying. "Hello to everyone but you two nasties. What did they do?" Mike asked the guard.

"They got into the weird debate, which became heated. They started a food fight in the mess hall before being detained." The guard said, shoving the two forward.

"Jedi Council. I sincerely apologize for the conduct of my team. Please allow them to clean their mess in recompense." Mike requested.

The Council, some of whom had been more amused by the actions of the team, agreed. Mike also began asking where Grievious and Ronderu had gone off to. Again, as if their names summoned them, the pair in question appeared. Arms laden with stacks of pizza, their guard escort not assisting whatsoever.

"We ordered some pizzas, but there was a miscommunication. They heard thirty when we said thirteen, and so now there is a stack of fifteen pizzas being donated to a food shelter nearby." Ronderu explained.

Mike looked about for a moment, before moving into action. "Grievious, Ronderu, have the food taken to the ship. We'll eat it later. Dooku, you oversee the mess hall cleanup."

"What are you going to do?" Dooku asked.

"Well, I can't drink anymore because we all know how that turns out." All of the team's eyes shift towards Ventress, who tried to look innocent. She failed. "So I'll do the next best thing. I'm going to find a nice, dark, quiet closet, sit down, and cry."

"I thought that was how you spent off days." Boba 'offered' with a smirk.

Mike fixed the young clone with an icy glare. "If I throw in a blow-up sex doll or vigorous hand pumping I'll be emulating how you spend off days Boba." Even Master Windu had to fight to hold back a laugh.

 **Title has been changed to comply with site rules, apologies for the delay it has been crazy at work and I've had some serious writer's block going on. But, I will continue trying to bring the hilarity of this story when I can.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8. Who says you need a climax (Ventress: "Giggity.")

Exposing Palpatine was actually pretty simple. When the Supreme Chancellor called for Mike and his team to be tried the Jedi, Yoda especially, vouched for the band of misfits. And when Dooku accused Palpatine of being a Sith Lord there was an understandable bit of outrage. Mike though, calm as could be, pointed out that all that would need to be done to disprove them was to give a blood sample. A midi chlorian check would either prove Dooku's accusation correct or condemn Mike's entire group.

The entire senate was smart enough to know that if this Dooku, Grievous, and Ventress, who were all high ranking members of the Confederacy, Maul, who claimed to be a former Sith Apprentice, and the Jedi, who despite their shaky relationship with the Republic could be relied upon to oppose the Sith, all made the same claim then that claim had to have some weight. In addition most of these people were criminals who had just walked right into what could very well be their executions. With all of this the vote was called in favor of testing all of the major political figures in the Republic. Palpatine, knowing that he had just been put into a corner, attempted to sneak away in the night but found that Mike had anticipated this and moved to counter it. Dooku, Maul, Ventress, Yoda, Windu, and Obi-Wan all were waiting for the aged man. The resulting fight was brief, but ended in Palpatine being subdued and dragged away in cuffs.

The next day led to a blood test, which confirmed Palpatine as being exceptionally connected to the Force. This led to an official warrant to search his office, which in turn allowed for the discovery of a lightsaber hidden in one of the statues Palpatine seemed to have such a penchant for collecting. As the evidence piled up, with the complete journal of Darth Plagueis, hidden lightsaber, footage of his attempted escape, confessions from Maul, and the midi chlorian test, ensured that Palpatine was going to fry. He was removed from office and sentenced to life imprisonment in the Republic's most high security jail, and not long after Bail Organa was elected the new Supreme Chancellor. The emergency powers that Palpatine had accumulated were officially dismissed, many of the repeals Palpatine had put in place were themselves repealed, and an agreement with Mike's group was reached.

Dooku, Grievous, Ventress, and Maul were all pardoned in return for their continued cooperation in dismantling the Confederacy forces. Aurra, Boba, and Savage got off pretty easily, Mike fronting the considerable bail money needed to keep them from prison. Ronderu was called to testify against the Huk who had attempted to enslave the Kaleesh and managed to warrant an actual investigation, which resulted in the various economic sanctions leveled against the Kaleesh homeworld to be lifted.

As for Mike, his actions in the service to the Republic warranted the Republic Medal of Honor. Mike accepted it, knowing that it would look good for his team to have this in attributed to them. Everything seemed to be going great, until the situation abruptly soured. At least as far as Mike was concerned.

"I must have misheard you. They want me to what?" Mike said, sitting with Senator Riyo Chuchi.

"Your planet's senator wants your team to expand somewhat, namely to include a 'Human Resource' kind of individual. Essentially to ensure that you uphold the Republic ideals now that your team is so…well known." Senator Chuchi said simply, sipping at a cup of tea.

"I deal with a team of idiots on a daily basis as it is, why would I willingly subject myself to and expanded version of that kind of mental stress?" Mike asked with a grumpy frown.

"Your actions allowed for some rather disturbing revelations about the nature of this war, you and your team are being hailed as heroes for averting what could have been a much graver crisis." Riyo said simply, honestly puzzling over why Mike was so adamant about refusing such a relatively simple matter.

Mike would have responded but the door to Riyo's office slid open and Boba rushed in, a smile on his face.

"Mike, you need to come with me!" Boba said, yanking Mike by his sleeve. "Ventress just got busted by law enforcement."

"What did she do this time?" Mike asked with a bit of whine in his voice. He loved these lunatics to death, but he was convinced that they would be the death of him.

"She went shopping and was busted for public indecency." Boba answered.

For any person outside the team, this would be a difficult task to connect those two concepts. But Mike had learned to associate inappropriate acts with every possible situation when it came to his team.

"What exactly happened?" Mike said, knowing that he would be dealing with some grade A stupidity but also grade A amusement.

"Well, when she got to the fruit section she began to test the melons." Boba said, struggling to contain his laughter.

Riyo was still confused, but Mike simply closed his eyes and let a small smile play on his face. Boba pulled up a holo-image of Asajj at a fruit stand, and Riyo then made the connection. When you test a melon you slap it to listen to the sounds it makes and judge its ripeness. It seemed that Asajj got a little excited about spanking the melon and decided to make a spectacle of herself. The image showed Asajj holding the melon to her groin and pretending to have sex with it, one hand held the fruit in place while the other was raised to continue spanking the offending food item. Her pale face was red with laughter in the image, laughter that Mike had to keep in lest he appear to be in support of such behavior.

"I thought that we agreed to have Ventress supervised whenever she went out in public."

"She was supervised." Boba said.

"Dooku?" Mike guessed.

Boba zoomed the image out a bit. "Dooku." Boba affirmed. The full image showing the aged count next to Asajj, sunglasses flashing as he spanked his own melon.

"Note to self, Grievous and Ronderu are in charge of grocery shopping from now on." Mike said, rising up and stretching. His back emitting several loud pops in protest.

"Doesn't that make them in charge of shopping in general? Asajj and the lovebirds aren't allowed to handle the team's money anymore, so that leaves you, Dooku, G man, Ronderu, and me to deal with finances." Boba pointed out.

"Dooku's rich, he doesn't bother using the team's funds to buy anything. I, for reasons obvious, have to drag myself away from the alcohol aisle whenever I shop. You are financially responsible but it is a bit easier to buy supplies when we don't have to try and justify why a teen is the one buying them." Mike responded.

"You'd think that they've never seen a teenager buying blaster ammo before." Boba agreed.

"This isn't like the outer rim, damn age laws. And as for Aurra and Savage, you remember the incident on Naboo." Mike said.

"Oh yeah, they disappeared for a few days and we learned that they got distracted by one of the hotels near a waterfall." Boba recalled.

"They maintain that sex to the sound of raging water or rain is the best there is." Mike said. Senator Riyo could now understand why Mike didn't want to enter the political realm. She had just seen the madness that occurred when his team wasn't together, she could only imagine what would happen if everyone was together. Each member feeding progressively more outlandish ideas in a vicious downward spiral.

"Alright Boba, I'll transfer bail funds from the B.A.O.J account to you so you can get those idiots." Mike said, pulling up a personal holo-tablet.

"On it." Boba said simply, heading out to retrieve his teammates.

"B.A.O.J?" Riyo asked cautiously.

"Bail Asajj Out of Jail. Every morning the team places bets on who gets in trouble first. Half of the winnings are transferred into an account just for Asajj, the other half goes to the winner." Mike.

"Does everyone on you team have an account like that?" Riyo said, leading Mike out. He still didn't know his way very well.

"No, just Asajj. She's a repeat offender, so everyone else typically has a fairly minimal bail compared to her." Mike explained. He was perusing messages to his team, looking for a mission. It was clear that the team was getting…fidgety after having so little to do. Unfortunately, that little shit Boba decided to have a bit of fun with the team's message board.

Everyday hundreds of new messages coming from systems that had learned of the deceit Palpatine had orchestrated and heard of the plan he intended to put forth for the galaxy. The Jedi, having followed a lead unearthed in the still mounting evidence against the former Supreme Chancellor, discovered the command chips in the clones and a full list of the various orders that the clone army had been programmed with. This information was subsequently leaked to the public by…Unknown parties. But with the discovery of just what kind of disaster Mike and his team had averted the public hadn't stopped sending thanks.

As for Mike, he couldn't seem to find anything that would actually warrant his team's intervention. Sure, he could pick some small task to keep them busy but that wouldn't last very long and it would likely have next to no return for them. As he swiped he came across a message from his planet's senator, Senator Rathburn. It was long and pretentious, full of the elitist egotism that the Sith had cultivated in the Republic for centuries, and ended with the man having the audacity to give his team a deadline for when to have their Public Relations official.

Mike, being Mike, was unintimidated by some big-headed prick in a cushy office. But he was certainly annoyed that Rathburn, who had never even spoken to Mike face to face, was making demands that affected the team. So Mike, being his usual refined self, decided that his Senator warranted a visit. Marching through the Senate building to his system's area Mike found the correct door soon enough. And force pushed it in.

To say that Senator Rathburn was shocked was an understatement. Not once, in his fifteen years as a Senator, did anyone simply force themselves into his office. His secretary tried to impede him, and Rathburn heard her mention something about needing and appointment. When Mike ignited one of his lightsabers and held the blade a mere inch from her face she reconsidered and let him pass.

"You must be the infamous Mike, I'm afraid I'm unaware of your surname though Mr…?" Rathburn trailed off.

"You don't need to know my name any more than you already do. Now I'll make this real simple, and you better fucking take this to heart. There is no man or woman in this entire building who gets to tell me how I organize my team, who is needed on it, or what we need to do. When Organa becomes Chancellor he'll get told the same thing, and let me tell you. If I won't let the Supreme Chancellor order my team around, I sure as hell won't allow some prissy little shit stain Senator do it. Am I, in any way, shape, or form, unclear?" Mike asked, the still ignited lightsaber making his very hard for Rathburn to muster an argument. But he tried anyway.

"You are still a citizen of the planet I represent boy, so you will do as I say. And don't think that your little glow stick frightens me, the Council will never allow you to hurt me." Rathburn spat out, his inflated sense of self speaking before his head had the chance to. He learned soon enough.

Mike swung his blade around, cleaving away a good portion of the desk separating to two men, moved into the now empty space, and slammed Rathburn's face into the larger portion of desk.

"You're a representative, that's it. I don't answer to you, or your ilk. And I don't need my lightsaber to make my point, if I need to I'll just beat the living shit out of you." Mike said, pushing Rathburn away roughly.

Mike strode back to his ship, calling his entire team. He didn't need to say a word, the rest of the team could quickly pick up on how furious Mike was and took their seats in the _Madhouse_ , about a day of destroying Separatist strongholds, raiding their ships for parts, rescuing civilians, and generally making themselves a pain the Confederacy's collective asses.

"Hey Mike?" Boba said, after a hard day of sowing chaos.

"What's up Boba?" Mike asked, now much more relaxed. He had told the team about the talk with Rathburn and had calmed considerably.

"Rathburn won't let this go. But, I do think that we can have a PR guy here and still be us." Boba offered helpfully, though Mike could see a small smirk at the young man's mouth.

Mike had been with these people long enough to know that this team was not one that any Public Relation's office would be willing to deal with.

"You remember Yanis?" Boba asked.

"Distinctly. Guy would have made an awesome member of the team." Mike said with a smile.

"Well, as it turns out he has experience in the Human Resource department of one of the IBC's outlaying facilities. He was fired for being a bit…brash." Boba said, sharing Mike's smile.

"So he's the perfect choice then. Bring him in." Mike ordered.

"Already done." Boba said, looking over at the door as it opened.

Mike could only smile as a short, green being strode in. He had shiny, black hair, sunglasses, and a cocky stride to him. When he had the attention of everyone on the bridge he raised his arms and uttered what would come to be his catch phrase.

"WHAT'S UP BITCHES!" Yanis had joined the team.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9. See His Nose? It Hurts, It's Sensitive

Mike would take a blaster bolt for any of his team, even if they were a big bunch of clusterfucks. But there were times when he would have loved nothing more than to drop out and let them combust on their chaos, this was one of the later times. Mike, Yanis, and the team were all scheduled to have a sensitivity training seminar. This would have been a slight irritation normally, but they also had guests. Obi-Wan, in an effort to be inconspicuous, had asked Mike for a ride to a mission in the outer rim areas. Accompanying him was Barriss Offee, Anakin Skywalker, and Ahsoka Tano. These Jedi were now being privy to the madness that was this team once again.

To give some background on the situation requires a look to an event about two weeks ago. Yanis had fit in well, though stayed away from actual combat since that wasn't his area, and helped the team party after they helped with a particularly devastating blow to the Separatists. The job was to eliminate Separatist forces that had managed to get into the mid-rim, one of areas of interest being close to Naboo. The mission was an easy one, the _Madhouse_ had been upgraded enough to be a very fast, nimble, and well-armed ship so it was child's play to disable some of the Separatist cruisers. They even got into a game with Skywalker as to who could take out more ships, Skywalker won and was invited to join the team in celebration. Which is where the problems started.

When the _Madhouse_ crew party, they party hard.

They weren't allowed on Naboo, banned years ago for totally illegitimate reasons (*Cough* Mike was drunk, Ventress was a perv, Savage, Aurra, and Dooku charged with public indecency with the latter guilty of skinny dipping, Boba 'accidently' jetpack flew his way into some woman's bath. Maul, Grievous, and Ronderu were all staying back, content to watch the chaos unfold.) So the group all decided to simply use the _Madhouse_ as their party hut.

When Mike started drinking, deciding that Ventress would have no need to ask him for anything any time soon, he and Skywalker were swapping tales of their missions. The next thing Mike knew he was waking up with a splitting headache, one he soon recognized as a hangover. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, wincing at the sound of metal and glass shifting quite loudly. When his vision cleared he looked around, requiring a few seconds to realize that he was sitting in his room surrounded by empty bottles and cans.

"Wow, look at all the dead soldiers." Mike croaked out, forcing his feet under him and rising. He swayed a bit, before managing to get his balance mostly sorted.

The first thing about the hallway that caught Mike's attention was the massive scorch mark on the floor, as if someone rode a thrust engine and burned a large, black line into the floor the length of the hall. Following the mark Mike found himself in the rec room, and some of his team. There was a crudely constructed speeder bike half submerged in the pool, most of the go karts were piled up on the track, a number of tables had been stacked into some large multi-level structure, and it looked like someone tried to construct a large slingshot out of a large elastic band and two flagpoles.

As for the occupants of the room that was a bit simpler, Dooku was snoring away on the diving board, wearing, of all things, a bedsheet wrapped like a toga. Maul was on the ground next to the table pile, Boba was passed out in a pile of bean bags that Mike saw were directly in line from where the speeder bike was in the pool, and a broader look revealed Grievous using a grill, unlit of course, as a pillow, and Ventress was in one of the movie rooms watching Frozen of all things **(It's my story, so I get to include whatever I damn well please!)**. That accounted for most of the team, the rest wouldn't be too hard to find.

A knock on Savage's door elicited some shifting sounds, a groan, and a tired Zabrak face appearing as the door opened slightly.

"Aurra with you?" Mike asked.

"Yep." Savage replied, rubbing his eyes.

"Carry on then." Mike said, Savage nodded and closed the door.

Ronderu and Yanis were on the bridge, and both looked amused to see Mike.

"Welcome back to the world of the sober." Yanis said, smirking as he drank from a mug.

"Do I even want to see the security cams?" Mike asked Ronderu, her answer stunned him.

"Maybe, it would be a while to look though it all. You've been out of it for about two days." Ronderu said simply.

Mike simply sat down, accepting the cup of tea the remaining Kaleesh offered, and began to review the footage of the last week. It seems that Dooku, Ventress, and Maul all got really drunk as well. Dooku was slurring poetry before face planting on the diving board, apparently at some point he had fashioned his toga to better be inspired. Ventress had secluded herself to the movie room Mike had found her in and hadn't come out since. Maul and Savage had gathered the tables to play king of the hill, and when Maul's drunk ass had been thrown from the top he fell asleep on the ground. Boba's behavior was very erratic as well (Mike would later discover that someone spiked Boba's drink.), as he decided to drive a speeder bike right at the pool. Mike suspected that he was trying to jump the small body of water but forgot a ramp.

Ronderu was shaking with quiet laughter while Yanis simply looked at Mike over his arched fingers. Mike, knowing that Yanis being the HR/PR guy, would take action about this. He had to do something to save face and put into the team records. Most clients were amused and impressed by the antics that this group got up to but they had to know that there was still a degree of professionalism when needed.

Which brings us back to today. Unfortunately Yanis had intentionally scheduled this meeting to interfere with one of the team's most treasured weekly traditions. Meaning that the team, for the second time in their history, would have to cancel Taco Tuesday. Mike, like the rest of the team, was deeply upset about this. But as his eyes scanned the room he noticed some individuals missing.

"Where the Hell are Savage and Aurra?" Mike demanded.

"They stayed sober and didn't contribute to the destruction of the ship, so they and Ronderu are exempt from this seminar." Yanis said, his trademarked sunglasses resting on his forehead.

In the docking bay the three in question were piling into a small drop ship, intent on being away from the rest of the team right now. As if knowing that they were the center of attention right now Aurra, the last to board, stopped at the ship's threshold and looked out.

"Nope." She said simply, hitting the proper button and closing the ship's door. It took off as fast as its engines could handle.

"Alright everyone…" Yanis opened, bringing attention back to the main event. "We are going to discuss a little thing called 'Sexual Harassment' to start us off." Yanis said, immediately every gaze turned towards Ventress. "We have an entire filing cabinet full of complaints and while I don't normally like to name names they all stem from two people, so I've got to call you guys out. Maul, Ventress."

The two looked at the gazes directed their way, a bit sheepish for once.

"Ventress, if my readings are right then you get told about this almost every mission. So I'm leaving it at that since I don't feel like wasting breath. But Maul…" The Zabrak looked at the small green figure. "You have less complaints than Ventress but all of yours stem from using your saberstaff as a sexual innuendo."

"I would never." Maul protested.

"Really…?" Yanis asked, pulling a datapad from his pocket and fiddling with it for a moment. "What about 'careful there, it's quite hefty', 'you're going to need two hands for this', 'Yeah, it's pretty big', 'my eyes are up here but my staff is down there', or 'hands off my staff'." Yanis reeled off.

"In my defense, the last one was really about my saberstaff." Maul acquiesced.

"Moving on. I've prepared a small statement that will be HR's official statement seen by prospective clients and applicants." Yanis scrolled to the proper document on his pad. "The _Madhouse_ is a team that is willing to employ and offer employment to any who wish to join baring only the most severe of criminal offenses. All members, after completing the necessary probation period, are to be treated with the same respect as long time members. So for instance if we get a new guy and he passes the checks and probation period then they will be regarded as equal to the rest of the team."

The team, who had been listening carefully, nodded. The great thing about this team is that they didn't need to have a drawn out process to tell them 'you fucked up.' Mike would typically just say it and be done, and that would be enough. The team would have fun, the team would get carried away sometimes, but they still learned and moved forward. The seminar was concluded pretty simply, and at the end Mike reached out with the Force and found the exempted trio on a planet below. When he investigated further his eyes snapped open.

"OH YOU LITTLE SHITS!" Mike shouted. In a small shack down below Savage, Aurra, and Ronderu were munching away at a big box of tacos. Savage and Aurra, being Force sensitive, paused before smirking. Ronderu watched in amused silence as each on lifted a new taco and, with mouths still full, yelled out "TACOS!" before biting into the delicious crunchy food items.

 **If you've watched "The Office of Smite" on YouTube you will have recognized this chapter. At this point all that is happening is that the Separatists are being cleaned up, dissenting systems are being brought back into the Republic fold, and getting involved in no shortage of wacky shenanigans. As it is, I'm just writing out crack chapters and seeking to entertain those who will find this entertaining. If you like this story then please consider taking a look at the other stories I have written, I am currently attempting to work in the current revelations about Steven Universe into the Blood Diamond story so that may take a bit of time.**


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